Asshole of the Month – Rick Santorum

Posted: January 29, 2012 in Asshole of the Month, Politics
Tags: , , , , , , ,

My inaugural Asshole of the Month goes to Rick “Sweater Vest” Santorum. As the American republican party reality show search for a presidential candidate drags on, one candidate has risen above all others in a supremely talented field, brimming with pure assholeness. It takes a special person to get one over Tea Bagger Queen Michelle “Batshit” Bachmann, Herman “Pervin” Cain, Newt “It’s All In The First Name” Gingrich and the poor man’s George W Bush – Rick Perry.

Santorum has been recognized as the most conservative politician in America in recent years and was the senator from Pennsylvania for two terms, until his sheer crazy got him roundly beaten in the 2006 election race – The only republican incumbent senator from Pennsylvania to ever lose an election. He dropped out of the spotlight for 5 plus years, until reappearing last year with his surprise presidential candidacy. This was most likely owing to the fact that he saw just how dreadful the field was and after being in the wilderness for so long, figured people had forgotten all about his unbalanced tendencies. This strategy seemed to work, as for months during 2011 most of the other candidates took turns at the top of the polls before disgracing themselves in some way or another and slipping back down the greasy poll. All the while, old safe Sweater Vest, inched along, until he miraculously won the first state to choose their candidate on January 3, in Iowa. Surely cause enough for any self-respecting person to boycott the children of the corn state. But luckily old Sweater Vest couldn’t keep the crazy covered up inside forever.

Very few people in public life can match Tricky Ricky for making asinine statements. It would seem his mission in life has been to sound as ridiculous as possible, no better exemplified than in the aftermath of the Iowa win. Just a day after the big victory he said: “I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money.” His pathetic defence was that he said “blah” not “black”. Right I always wondered who were those blah people taking money away from your sweater vest fund Rick. Not content with just offending the African-American population, he decided to have a go at non-Christians a couple of days later. It’s bad enough when political candidates attribute running for office to God telling them to do so, such as Michelle Bachmann and Rick Perry, but to actually declare oneself to be the “Jesus candidate,” boggles the mind. A couple of weeks later, in a spot whose the biggest douche interview with Piers Morgan, Santorum revealed that he would urge his begging daughter not to have an abortion, even after rape. He believes that life begins at conception and wants to introduce a constitutional amendment banning all abortions. He went on to call rape babies a gift of life: “I believe and I think that the right approach is to accept this horribly created, in the sense of rape, but nevertheless, in a very broken way, a gift of human life and accept what God is giving to you.”

Santorum fared very poor in the New Hampshire and South Carolina primaries and now sits at the bottom of the republican presidential race/circus with little chance of securing the nomination, as Newt Gingrich has grabbed the strongly conservative segment of the party. He could very well sensibly drop out after the big Florida primary on the 31st, but he can at least be content with winning the race for Asshole of the Month.

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